Feeding it....

Well my addiction to books that is...I am continuously feeding it.  I hadn't made a good book purchase in a while and decided to use a portion of my money I received for Christmas to make a book purchase. I also bought a new reading journal to track what I read.  If you don't do this and are a reader, I highly recommend it.  It doesn't have to be anything fancy.  I started doing that a few years ago and love being able to look back at what I have read.  I thought it also might be something fun for my kiddos when they are older to look back at what their dear old mom was doing when they were asleep or in the bath or in the other room or really any second I can find that someone isn't asking me a question. 

I just love having an actual book in my hand.  We own a Kindle and i have in fact read some books on it, but boy oh boy do I get excited when I buy a new book and can hold it and flip through the pages.  And here lately I have really been utilizing our local library just to save on the money going towards my book reading addiction.  Boy do I love the library.  I really love the smell of it...that old book smell.  Wow, this is getting awkward.  I am revealing way too much about myself! 

My other obsession with reading and books is this awesome line of books from Penguin that are all hard back and cloth covered.  Yes, I adore these books.  They look amazing on a shelf.  Maybe one day I can have a library in my house with a sliding ladder that I can stand on and slide from shelf to shelf singing....umm anyways. 

Well I have some reading to do.  I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas.  We are all just recovering from the present opening and goodies we over indulged in.  We never seem to learn our lesson!

Time Out

I sent myself to time out tonight.  That's right.  The kids were yelling, Ryan was gone, the house was a mess....I went to time out.  I felt myself crumbling a little.  And no one wants a crumbly mom. 

Some days it's all I can do to make it through the day.  Thankfully those days are rare, but they happen.  Some days a glass of wine sounds way better than it probably should. 
Some days I feel I might pull my hair out. 

Some days my girl snuggles up next to me and falls asleep and my heart melts.  I forget all about pulling my hair out. 
Some days my little man looks up and and says "Wuv You" and I start to cry because he can talk and I understand him, which means time is passing and it shouldn't do that.

Some days I worry too much about my dirty house and wonder what happened to the time. 

Some days I play with my babies and forget all about the house I am in...clean or dirty.

I love those kids more than words can describe.  Even when I wonder if I can ship them off...not that I have ever thought that.  Maybe I have...once...or twice.  They are a blessing I couldn't have imagined for myself.   They are teaching me how to be a stronger person and through them I am learning to be a better Christian.  I am learning more about God and His love for us.  I pray that continues and I can adequately teach my children that love.  I hope they see the Holy Spirit in me, working. 

Have a nice night bloggies!

Victory!!

I am going to go ahead and say it...step out in faith and declare a victory.  A little over two weeks ago Ryan and I declared a war against our toddler.  We decided to reclaim captured territory and take back what is our God given right.  Ok that may be a bit much and I am not sure it's a God given right, however we took back our bedroom, we took back the night!

Ready for war!

A year ago when we sold our condo we hadn't closed on our house yet, so we moved in with family.  While our families were super gracious and we are super thankful for the opening of their homes once again to us, it threw our little girly's schedule into a serious tailspin.  I should really say there was an overall lack of schedule and that was the problem.  We were all, but Lincoln, in the same room and basically rising and going to sleep at the same time.  Once we settled into our own home, where Arabelle has a wonderfully purple room, she refused to sleep there.  It was as if World War III had broken out on nights that we tried to make her sleep in there.  And thus in our weakness we just continued to let her sleep in our room on the floor as an act of avoidance.  It was our peace treaty.

Then a couple of weeks ago we decided we wanted our own time.  I mean we should have that right?  Just an hour or two with no kiddos asking questions.  Some time to talk or not to talk to each other.  So we just buckled down and prepared ourselves for the oncoming war.  But you know what??  It wasn't so bad.  She maybe had one night where she was upset and we were upset and it seemed hope was lost...maybe not lost...just fading...or hiding in the midst of the toddler tantrum. She has overall done amazing!  She is sleeping in there every night and doesn't scream or cry when it's time.  Granted getting her to sleep in there has a long list of requirements ranging from a fan blowing on her face, to a cup of water in her play kitchen, to lastly but certainly not least having the Glee soundtrack playing.  (She likes the Glee soundtrack and who am I to argue?)  An added bonus of her sleeping in there is that for four consecutive nights she has slept all the way through the night and hasn't tried to come back into our room at some crazy hour when everyone should be sleeping.  This is definitely a bonus because we had resigned ourselves to her coming in between 12 and 3 in the morning and that would just be the way it was for a while.

I am so proud of my girl.  She is growing up and learning to be just a little more independent.  I don't want her to be too independent...I still like to snuggle with her and hold her little hand as much as I can.  I love that girl!  She is a gift from God and is teaching us every day what it means to be a parent.  She may do things with a little more spunk and a little more fight, but that is just how God intended her to be.  I think it will serve her well one day.

I am also very proud of us. We stood our ground and made it happen.  We took back our time together and we are loving it.  We are actually getting to read books and talk about our days and catch up on TV shows that can't be watched when there is a four year old roaming around.  We get to be a husband and wife again and not just parents....we get us time. We love it!

Stand strong today bloggies, in whatever it is that you have been avoiding facing.  Stand strong!

Thoughts...

Hello there,

I know this is two in one day, but I needed to talk through some things.  :-)

In the last week or so Lincoln Man turned 2, I turned 28 and I had an actual conversation with Arabelle on the phone where she told me she missed me and asked legitimate questions about my day that were relevant to conversations that had actually taken place.  In all of this, I have felt a little sad.  My munchkins are growing up.  I keep thinking of Lincoln and Arabelle the first times I held them.  How their pudgy little faces looked eerily like me from the get go.  How their little hands clutched just one of my fingers.  How I carried them around and watched their every move.  I feel like they are growing up way too fast.  And I feel like I am missing out somehow on that.  I work full time and find myself longing to be able to just be a stay at home mommy. And maybe I am failing them because I am not staying home. I feel like if I am working maybe I should at least be doing my "dream" job...even though I still don't know what that is after years of contemplation.  I feel like maybe I should be more.  Whatever more is. 

I am reading a book called Bittersweet right now and it has me thinking.  A lot of the stories the author describes, ring true in various ways for me.  I just read a chapter about trying to do everything all the time.  The author explained how she loves to make lists and how she once added to her list "DO EVERYTHING BETTER".  She then went on to break down each word and how awful that was to say.  But it made me wonder how often to I find myself in the same thoughts...I may not write it down, but I am there.  I literally want to do everything better.  I feel a need to be a better mom, a better wife, a better employee, a better Christian, a better cook, a better everything.  Really??????  It's like dreaming the impossible dream about every little thing.  She explains in the book how she has started to learn to make a list of the things "I do" and the things "I don't do" and then reminds herself of these when she starts to feel that addiction to being everything creeping in. 

And it really does creep in.  It's not like you wake up in the morning and suddenly think I have to do and be everything everyone at all times today.  It starts small I think and then grows, kind of like a disease or an infection.  If you leave it unattended suddenly that list of things you wanted to do better has suddenly encompassed every aspect of your life. 

I need to remember that I am right where God has placed me.  Maybe I was created for such a time as this...just like Esther.  Maybe a little dramatic, but in honesty God is the creator of every aspect of my life.  He put the Earth into motion and created the stars, if he wanted me to be in a different place wouldn't he make that happen?  The truth is, I don't stay at home, I don't keep my house spotless 85% of the time, I don't always finish projects, I don't have dinner on the table when Ryan walks in, I don't make our bed every day, I don't always put away laundry and I don't have nicely manicured fingernails and toenails.  I do however, love my kids and my husband more than I could have imagined loving anyone, I do read lots of books, I do teach my kids all that I can, I do pray for my family, I do love God, I do have a good job where I work with lots of people who feel like family, I do love to bake and do it well (I think), I do like to start lots of artsy projects and I do love to listen to a variety of music and dance around with my munchkins.  I know there are lots more things I do and things I don't.  But for now, I am learning that every moment with my kids is precious. God has blessed me with those moments and I pray he continues to bless me with those moments.  I pray that through those moments, we bring glory to God in every way.  I pray that in those moments I can teach them about God and that hey would grow up in His ways and always be followers of God.  I know they are growing up fast, but that's the way God made it.  Maybe if I spent less time focusing on how I can do everything better and be everything, they wouldn't seem to be growing up so fast.  Maybe time might slow down just a little. 

I will probably still wish I could stay at home, but I know not everyone does.  My mom wasn't always at home with us, she too worked.  And you know looking back I don't remember longing for her to have been a stay at home mom.  I don't really remember daycare that much.  Just bits and pieces of different things.  What I do remember is the first time I ever made pancakes with my mom, I remember making homemade peanut butter, I remember going to the park and going to the pool with her.  I remember those precious moments.  I am sure it will be the same with my kids.  I am praying for contentment and learning as I go.  Today I will remember that I am right where God wants me.  He created me for a purpose and it isn't to do everything better.

And to close it up I just wanted to share my lovely babes with you.

You know she still sleeps like that sometimes...mouth open all flopped out.

And have you ever seen anything so precious.  I love his little face.