I know this is two in one day, but I needed to talk through some things. :-)
In the last week or so Lincoln Man turned 2, I turned 28 and I had an actual conversation with Arabelle on the phone where she told me she missed me and asked legitimate questions about my day that were relevant to conversations that had actually taken place. In all of this, I have felt a little sad. My munchkins are growing up. I keep thinking of Lincoln and Arabelle the first times I held them. How their pudgy little faces looked eerily like me from the get go. How their little hands clutched just one of my fingers. How I carried them around and watched their every move. I feel like they are growing up way too fast. And I feel like I am missing out somehow on that. I work full time and find myself longing to be able to just be a stay at home mommy. And maybe I am failing them because I am not staying home. I feel like if I am working maybe I should at least be doing my "dream" job...even though I still don't know what that is after years of contemplation. I feel like maybe I should be more. Whatever more is.
I am reading a book called Bittersweet right now and it has me thinking. A lot of the stories the author describes, ring true in various ways for me. I just read a chapter about trying to do everything all the time. The author explained how she loves to make lists and how she once added to her list "DO EVERYTHING BETTER". She then went on to break down each word and how awful that was to say. But it made me wonder how often to I find myself in the same thoughts...I may not write it down, but I am there. I literally want to do everything better. I feel a need to be a better mom, a better wife, a better employee, a better Christian, a better cook, a better everything. Really?????? It's like dreaming the impossible dream about every little thing. She explains in the book how she has started to learn to make a list of the things "I do" and the things "I don't do" and then reminds herself of these when she starts to feel that addiction to being everything creeping in.
And it really does creep in. It's not like you wake up in the morning and suddenly think I have to do and be everything everyone at all times today. It starts small I think and then grows, kind of like a disease or an infection. If you leave it unattended suddenly that list of things you wanted to do better has suddenly encompassed every aspect of your life.
I need to remember that I am right where God has placed me. Maybe I was created for such a time as this...just like Esther. Maybe a little dramatic, but in honesty God is the creator of every aspect of my life. He put the Earth into motion and created the stars, if he wanted me to be in a different place wouldn't he make that happen? The truth is, I don't stay at home, I don't keep my house spotless 85% of the time, I don't always finish projects, I don't have dinner on the table when Ryan walks in, I don't make our bed every day, I don't always put away laundry and I don't have nicely manicured fingernails and toenails. I do however, love my kids and my husband more than I could have imagined loving anyone, I do read lots of books, I do teach my kids all that I can, I do pray for my family, I do love God, I do have a good job where I work with lots of people who feel like family, I do love to bake and do it well (I think), I do like to start lots of artsy projects and I do love to listen to a variety of music and dance around with my munchkins. I know there are lots more things I do and things I don't. But for now, I am learning that every moment with my kids is precious. God has blessed me with those moments and I pray he continues to bless me with those moments. I pray that through those moments, we bring glory to God in every way. I pray that in those moments I can teach them about God and that hey would grow up in His ways and always be followers of God. I know they are growing up fast, but that's the way God made it. Maybe if I spent less time focusing on how I can do everything better and be everything, they wouldn't seem to be growing up so fast. Maybe time might slow down just a little.
I will probably still wish I could stay at home, but I know not everyone does. My mom wasn't always at home with us, she too worked. And you know looking back I don't remember longing for her to have been a stay at home mom. I don't really remember daycare that much. Just bits and pieces of different things. What I do remember is the first time I ever made pancakes with my mom, I remember making homemade peanut butter, I remember going to the park and going to the pool with her. I remember those precious moments. I am sure it will be the same with my kids. I am praying for contentment and learning as I go. Today I will remember that I am right where God wants me. He created me for a purpose and it isn't to do everything better.
And to close it up I just wanted to share my lovely babes with you.
|You know she still sleeps like that sometimes...mouth open all flopped out.|
|And have you ever seen anything so precious. I love his little face.|